Magic Scallions

Gym(nasium)

et — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 18:28:04 +0000

I’m going to open my own gym called MnWU (Meatheads and Wimps United) Gym. Unlike every other gym, our rates will be clearly published on some form of electronic and/or print medium:

Bare-bones membership - $55, you have to pay $5/class to take classes, you can only go to one MnWU gym.
Regular membership - $70, unlimited classes, 1 free personal training session, you can go to any MnWU gym.
Sign-up fee is $100 unless you commit to a 2-year contract.

fight money with money

et — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 19:31:55 +0000

When I become rich (which I estimate to be in 2012), I’m going to buy a giant house in a really rich area, like the Hamptons, Hollywood Hills, or Upper Saddle River, NJ. Then bulldoze the house and build a really tiny ugly pink and yellow shack that sticks out like a sore thumb. Kinda like an ugly version of these. Do you think my neighbors will have enough money to enact some kind of ugly ordnance or color ordnance. I would actually be making the house smaller so they can’t cite some kind of size ordnance.

The Algorithm

et — Wed, 23 May 2007 20:00:14 +0000

We did not invent the algorithm.

The algorithm consistently finds Jesus.

The algorithm killed Jeeves.

The algorithm is banned in China.

The algorithm is from Jersey.

The algorithm constantly finds Jesus.

This is not the algorithm.

vodka family

et — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 02:43:21 +0000

According to Wikipedia, the first written record of vodka in Poland dates back to 1405. 601 years later, I celebrate the holiday season with “real” vodka. Prior to 2006, I was part of the vodka family whos beliefs were:

1) Vodka gets you drunk; doesn’t take over your stomach like beer.
2) Mixes well with everything.
3) Grey Goose is the best vodka.

But after trying shit like Potocki, Russian Standard, and Jewel of Russia, my mind was blown (and intoxicated). Potocki is about the same price as Grey Goose, but it tastes 100x better.

My family is small (in number, not in size. my brother can kick your ass. maybe. in video games.) and we do a condensed “holiday thing,” if at all, so this is what I do with my free time in between XMAS and NYears. Happy judeochristian new year everyone! I’m going to celebrate the new year on Feb. 18, 2007 where it will be the year of the boar again. Oh and I’d like to apologize to Mr. Tombosaucetron for leaving his comments stuck in Internet purgatory for so long. Like a spam and egg sandwich, your tender gooey deliciousness was hidden in a bunch of spam. We should do a NYC food odyssey tour.

You know what’d be a good domain? beerontherocks.com … Nobody steal it while I think of what would go there.

places i’ve eaten more than 5 times vol. 1.5

et — Wed, 20 Dec 2006 17:14:11 +0000

Ok, I’ve decided to start a common thing here on this Internet thing. It’s called “Places I’ve Eaten More Than 5 Times.” My around the world food that is delicious kicked it off (I’ve been to all those places more than 5 times), but I am now renaming and officializing:

Place I’ve Eaten More Than 5 Times (or piemt5t)

Robongi (Japanese run by Chinese - Washington and 5th, Hoboken) - Sushi is fresh and the cuts are big (mmm… big cuts), although I’m self-admittedly not a sushi expert. My mom used to make sushi when I was little, so I’ve been eating it long before “it got popular” (dudeee mannn, I knew that band before they got signedddd), but I don’t go to the upscale places. Like Masa. Where it’s $350 fixed price dinner.

Boca Chica (South American - 1st and 1st, the nexus of the universe) - The plantains and bean dip appetizer are delicious. Pork chops are delicious. The salad and beans go very well with the meal. Only place I’ve ever seen a Batida, really sweet but unique Brazilian cocktail.

Wogie’s (Philadephian - Greenwich and Charles, West Village) - A very utilitarian Filly sports bar + grill, but it’s where we go for beer and wings. Delicious wings, cheap beer, good choices. They claim to have “the best cheesesteaks in ny,” but I’ve never tried. There seems to be an interestingly large presence of Filadelfians in the village. I’ll have to do a cheesesteak round up sometime - NYC vs. Pat’s in Fily.

hot cock sauce

et — Tue, 19 Dec 2006 22:38:07 +0000

I would like to welcome Tombotron and his sauce to the wonderful world of wasting time at work (wwowtaw) on the wild and untamed Internet frontier. Yes, I still like to capitalize Internet (like the Telephone, the Internet was a proper noun when it was first invented, but not anymore because of its widespread use). Yes, I also often forget to capitalize god. His (Tombotron, not god) sauce is even more potent than the hot cock sauce (pictured on your right) so indulge with care. Anyway, here is your good item of the week:

1) Online rebate forms by Amazon.com. I bought the 2.0Ghz MacBook on black Thursday for $1050 and part of it was a $75 rebate, but you just had to fill out an online form. Amaz(on)ing.

Here is your bad item of the week:

1) AmericanExpress.com only allows passwords between 6-8 characters. This is not very secure. 8 random characters will be hard to crack, but most people use easy-to-remember passwords (even for important bank/credit card sites) and this 8 character limit just makes their password protection weaker. ING Direct has the most insane password scheme ever. In conclusion, the password I use for my bank accounts is 12 characters consisting of Engrish words I made up with I was a kid. Another good way to have a secure password is to use the first letter of each word in a sentence you will always remember. For example, “Hot Cock Sauce Is Exactly 8 Inches Long,” - “hcsie8il.”

evite’s are funny

et — Fri, 08 Dec 2006 21:32:34 +0000

I just got an evite for my department’s holiday party. I thought evites were hilarious when I first heard of them and I still think they’re hilarious even though everybody uses them now. I don’t know why I find them funny, but then again I think donkey punches are funny. Anyway here are fun antics I like to pull with evites:

1. I respond that I am going, but include that I will show up with 99 guests.

2. I respond with no and write that “I hate all you mother effers die die die” and then show up to the party anyway.

3. On the evites where people allow you to invite other people, I invite a bunch of imaginary celebrities. Like mohammed.ali@gmail.com, george.clinton@yahoo.com, etc.

Steve-o and I once threw a Chanukah party and used evite to organize it. One evitee responded that they couldn’t go, but in the comment advertised their own party on our evite. The response was like, “Hey sorry I can’t go, but I’m throwing a party here on this date at this time if anyone wants to go.” So someone should write a script that goes around to evites, responds no, but includes “hey if anyone wants some viagra, penis enlargement, or car loans click here.” Here is a reference chart, taken from this site, of how much certain adwords are worth:

school loan consolidation - $69.16
college loan consolidation - $68.35
car insurance quotes - $66.88
school consolidation - $66.29
auto insurance quotes - $65.90
college consolidation - $64.04
student loan consolidation rates - $60.14
sell structured settlement - $59.82
sell annuity - $58.92
federal student loan consolidation - $58.58

question for you, “chili?”

et — Thu, 07 Dec 2006 16:56:26 +0000

Chili is a great food. It is delicious. It is healthy. And if you wash off the beans properly, you don’t even have to fart a lot after eating it. You can make a batch of it, save it, and eat it the rest of the week. Let’s make the perfect state together. We’ll take chili from Texas, hospitality from the south, intelligence and drive for success from the Northeast, the nice weather / laid-back-ed-ness of California, and the organic food / environmentalism from Colorado to make our own American melting pot chili.

Two phrases that suck:

“Question for you…”
Answering the phone with your name like, “So and so speaking,” or “Hello, this is so and so.”

If you have a question, just ask it. If someone is calling you, they know who they’re calling.

esperanto names

et — Tue, 21 Nov 2006 05:14:08 +0000

Mandarin Chinese is the most widely spoken language in the world. English comes in a distant second with half as many people, followed closely by Hindi in third and Spanish in fourth (if this was Wikipedia, I’d put a number with a bracket around it like [23.2b] and cite a source, but this is not a community driven vat of knowledge so eat me. I’m sorry I didn’t mean that. Please come back.). So why is English the official language of more countries than any other language? Money.

But there are actually languages that have been purely constructed, the most popular being Esperanto. It was created in an attempt to have a “universal second language to foster peace and international understanding” and is supposed to be easier to learn than any natural language because all the stupid rule breaking and nuances have been synthetically ironed out. Esperanto draws influences from the Romance, Germanic, and Slavic languages, so I was thinking what the perfect Esperanto name would be. I’ve always appreciated having a “semi-ethnicity ambiguous” last name. I forget if my dad did it on purpose or if the immigration office just messed up, but I honestly think all employers/HR people have ingrained name biases. (How do you pronounce Prakash Maharashtra? Do I address this letter to Mr. or Ms. Hsihn-Tsai Zhong? We don’t want the PR rep for Weinstein, Goldberg, and Berkowiz LLP to be Mr. Abu Karim Muhammad al-Jamil ibn Nidal ibn Abdulaziz al-Filastini.) Anyway, so the best name to have is Huey Lewis. Uncommon enough to be memorable, unweird enough not to be profiled.

barnes and noble(s)

et — Tue, 07 Nov 2006 21:36:27 +0000

My mom and someone who checked if I updated today both call that omnipresent green bookstore “Barnes and Nobles.” Com’on guys, there were two Barnes and only one Noble. I went today and bought two books: Ajax Patterns and Best Practices (what a nerd!) and Best-Loved Slow Cooker Recipes (what a… weirdo?). During checkout, the cashier / associate / team-member / servicer asked if I would like to buy a $3.99 childrens’ book to donate to the foundation for (mind wanders off due to the monotonous tone which memorized and repeated spiels are often given). I said sure, and was handed a little card to fill out my name to indicate who donated this book. I wrote “Mohammed Ali” and nonchalantly handed the card back. In retrospect, I should have added, “Dear kid: Keep reading; brains make you float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.” But my experiences with using the legendary Mr. Ali as a pen name stem from childhood visits to Fuddruckers (or Ruddfuckers), a minutely-fancier-than-fast-food burger joint where you mention your name with your order and they call you to pick it up when its ready. “Mohammed Ali, your order is ready. Mohammed Ali, your order is ready.”

A shout out to Reena for being such a loyal commenter. She posted a comment and then actually followed up on it a few days later. Some of you could learn a lesson or two.